yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
