how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
