if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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