the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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