true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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