i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
