Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
