Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
