ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
