lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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