i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
