we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
