I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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