it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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