my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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