I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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