I just threw up on my dentist
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
