oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just want nice things and good sex
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
