What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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