She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
