he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
