We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
