Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
