I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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