I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
