Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
