can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
