I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you didnt know i had herpes?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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