Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
