Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
