he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
