Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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