You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
