I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
