Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I want her autograph on my taint
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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