It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
