My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
