Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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