I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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