my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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