I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
