He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Semen is not good for contacts.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
