3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
