Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
