The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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