I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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