I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
