he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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