tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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