U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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