That's when you crack a 10am beer
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
