I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
