Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
